South Park Middle School: Stupid School Games!
by PFCCJHaynes
Summary: The boys minus Cartman must compete in stupid games with a rival middle school in fear of loosing their girlfriends! Plus, Cartman agrees to aid Ike in trying to get a girl at his school!
1. Games and Love

_Here we go, everybody! I know this fic is about 9 months late, but I haven't had a lot of times with things. Quite a bit happened to myself when I was in the Marines, so that's taken up a lot of time. But enough of that, here's the second fic in my "South Park Middle School" series! Please enjoy, and REVIEW! _

South Park Middle School: Stupid School Games!

(_The camera show the front of SP Middle School, which looks pretty much just like the elementary school. We cut to the 7__th__ grade math class, taught by none other than Mr. Garrison! The boys all look pretty much like they did in the show, but they are taller. They are all 13 now.)_

Mr. Garrison: And THAT'S why Brad Pitt couldn't do geometry after he broke up with Angelina Jolie. Anyway, children, before class ends I just wanted to announce the big 'rivalry games' with Middle Park Middle School.

Stan (whisper): Oh, brother.

Mr. Garrison: Now, children, I could care less about it but the attendance boosts a lot of money into this school and I want to get paid so I'm going to mention it anyway. I have this sheet right here that lists the students in this particular class that have to participate in the games. Let's see…Clyde, Stan, Craig, Kyle, Kenny, and…Kevin.

All those boys: Weak!

Cartman: Ay!! Why didn't the school pick me to participate?!

Mr. Garrison: Because you're a fat little punk who can't excel at any physical activity! Now shut up!

Cartman: Weak!

Mr. Garrison: Now for you boys who will participate, you were picked by the principal himself, and I've been informed to tell you that if you don't participate, you get an automatic F in one of your major classes. Which means, basically, that your screwed.

Kyle: He can't do that!

Mr. Garrison: Whether he can or not, he will, so I'd just suck it up and get my little ass prepared, if I were you.

The boys: Ugh!!

(The bell rings)

Mr. Garrison: Well, that's lunch! Good luck, boys!

(The boys leave and head for the cafeteria.)

Stan: Dude, this sucks so much balls!

Kyle: Yeah, but what can we do about it?

Kenny (unhooded now): Well, remember a few years back when we failed at baseball so we wouldn't have to play all summer? We can just do that again, I guess.

Stan: I suppose.

Cartman: Excuse me, dudes, but does ANYONE care that I can't be on our school's team?!

Kyle: Not really. Why would anyone WANT you on the team, fatass?

Cartman: Shut your mouth, Kyle! Shut your stupid Jew mouth!

Craig: Dammit, do you two really have to fight all the time?

Cartman: He started it! But anyway, when I get done with lunch I'm skipping out on the rest of the day. I wanna go home and sleep.

Stan: Your such an idiot, Cartman. I don't know how you get through school.

Cartman: You seriously under-estimate my intellect, Stan.

Kyle: Well, if you are going home, will you stop by my house and tell Ike I'll take him to Shakey's Pizza later? He's home sick.

Cartman: He's faking. And to answer your question: why would I do that for you?

Kyle (rolls eyes): Fine, here's a dollar.

(Gives it to Cartman)

Cartman: Oh covetous Jew, how cheap thou art.

Kyle: Will you do it or not, Cartman?!

Cartman: I guess so. But after I eat.

Stan: Of course you won't miss lunch, but you won't get an education. You seriously suck, Cartman.

Cartman: Whatever, dude. Go hug a tree.

(The boys all get their food and sit down at a table.)

Clyde: Where's Butters at? He never sits with us anymore.

Kyle: He's always with his girlfriend. He spends every waking second with her, it seems.

(They look across the cafeteria and see Butters sitting with his girlfriend, Kristall *_who was introduced in the first part of the SP Middle School series. Go read that fic first!* _They are sitting close and laughing and kissing while talking and eating.)

Kyle: I still can't understand how HE got the hottest girl in school.

Jimmy (who's sitting at the table too): Because he's got a good per….he's got a good per…puh..peeer….he's got a good per..per…personality.

Craig (roll eyes): Ugh. *_see the first fic to see why Craig don't get along with Butters!*_

Kenny: I gotta go take a piss guys. Be right back.

Kyle: Cool.

(Kenny heads for the restroom that is situated in the cafeteria. All the girls (minus Kristall) sit at a table very close to the boys restroom).

Kenny: Hello, ladies. How we doin?

Wendy: Hey Kenny! You guys ready for those games against Middle Park?

Kenny: Does a penguin crap in the woods?

(They are all silent and look at each other for a few seconds)

Kenny: Uhh..that means no.

Bebe (laughs): Well, you guys better be.

Kenny: Yeah. Well, anyway, I gotta go before I go in my pants.

(He goes to the restroom. When he's done, he is coming out but stops at the wall of the restroom, where the girls can't him)

Wendy: I'm psyched about those games!

Bebe: Me too!

(All the girls voice their approval too)

Wendy: And I tell you right now, if those boys loose these games, they probably won't girlfriends to come back to.

Bebe: I heard that, girl.

(Kenny's eyes are wide)

Kenny (thinking): Oh crap! The girls are banking on us to win! Stan and Kyle are gonna loose their girls if we don't! How am I gonna tell them?!

(Kenny straightens himself out and walks out of the restroom)

Bebe: Oh, going back to the guys, huh Kenny?

Kenny: Huh? Oh, yeah, the guys! Yeah, uh, yeah! They sure are a bunch of WINNERS, all right! You know?

(The girls look confused)

Bebe: Ummm….ok.

Kenny: Well, see you ladies later then!

(He rushes away from the girls table)

Bebe: That was weird. But then again, it's Kenny.

Wendy: Yeah, well, as I was saying, those Middle Park guys better win or their girls probably won't ever wanna be seen with them again.

(The girls all giggle and keep talking. We cut back to the boys table)

Stan: There you are. What took so long?

Kenny: Uhh, guys, we better get serious about these games.

Kyle: What? Why?

Kenny: I overheard the girls talking and well….Stan and Kyle, dudes, you could loose Wendy and Bebe over these games if we loose!

(Stan and Kyle have wide eyes and look worried)

Stan: WHAT?! Are you serious?!

Kenny: That's what I heard!

Kyle: But they are just some dumb games!

Kenny: That the girls really want us to win! Don't ask me why!

Stan: Dude, this can't be happening!

Cartman (laughs): Serves you two assholes right!

Stan/Kyle: Shut up Cartman!!

Cartman: Haha! Well, this day took an unexpected good turn! Oh man! But I'm still gonna head out. I guess I'll still stop by and see Ike. It's the least I can do for you Kyle! Haha!

(Cartman gets up and walks away with his empty tray)

Kyle: Man, we HAVE to win these games!

Craig: Wow, wow, wait a sec, Clyde and I don't care about if you guys loose your girls. And we don't wanna play these stupid games.

Clyde: Yeah.

(Kevin's head comes into the frame)

Kevin: Yeah, me either.

(They look at him, and his head slowly goes out of the frame)

Kyle: Oh really? If you guys loose, do you think you'll EVER be able to get a girl here?

Kenny: Yeah dudes, it's not just Wendy and Bebe. All the girls are pumped up for this.

(Craig and Clyde now look worried and glance at each other)

Clyde: Uuhhh…maybe we should get ready for this dude.

Stan: Alright, it's settled. Today after school we have practice for the games with one of the coaches here. Let's go out there and kick some major ass.

The other guys: YEAH!!!

(Cut to Cartman. He's walking down the street singing to himself)

Cartman (singing softly): I'll cry…for youuuuuuuu..if you don't say it's truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue

(He stops in front of Kyle's house)

Cartman: Get this outta the way real quick.

(He knocks on the door. Ike opens it up. He's as tall as the boys were when they were in third grade. He looks like he did in the show just taller of course. His voice is older too)

Ike: Huh? Oh, hey Eric.

Cartman: Your lame brother told me to relay to you that he's gonna take you to Shakey's Pizza later after school and practice for those stupid games which I wasn't invited to play. He also only paid me one dollar because he's a greedy butthole.

Ike: Ahh, ok..thanks, I guess.

Cartman: So I hear your sick?

Ike: Yeah, a little bit. But actually, I feel a little blue. There's a girl I like at school. Valarie Kilmer.

Cartman: So? Talk to her.

Ike: I can't! That's just the thing! I mean…I've never had luck with the girls.

Cartman: Well, for one, your young anyway, and for two, what about when you were with your teacher in kindergarten?!

Ike: Ahh, yeah, forgot about that….but I don't know how to approach this girl.

(Ike thinks for just a second and then smiles)

Ike: Hey Eric, do you think you could show me the ropes? You know, with girls?

Cartman: What?! Are you serious?

Ike: Well, I mean, we have always been cool around each other, I've always supported all the stupid stuff you've done! Like when we were pirates in Somalia!

Cartman: Well, THAT would have gone good if it hadn't been for Kyle! And the Navy SEALS…

(Cartman thinks for a second and sighs)

Cartman: But why SHOULD I help you? How can you repay me?

Ike: I don't know man! I mean, my parents don't want me to have a girlfriend at this age..and neither does Kyle.

(Cartman smiles)

Cartman: So…your saying if you get a girlfriend Kyle and your parents will be super pissed off?

Ike: Uh, probably.

(Cartman puts his hand on Ike's shoulder)

Cartman: Ike, I shall help you.

Ike: Wow, thanks!

Cartman: No need to. Pissing of Kyle is all the thanks I need. I gotta go now. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon and we'll get started!

Ike: Awesome!

(Cartman walks off laughing to himself)

Cartman: This is gonna be sweet.

_END of chapter 1! So how will the boys prepare for the games? Don't they know the girls aren't even talking about them? And will Cartman help Ike get a girl? Stay tuned! Oh, and REVIEW! _


	2. Practice sucks!

_Here it is, part two of 'Stupid School Games'! I noticed only two lousy reviews for the first chapter. As Jimmy would say, 'I mean, come on'! Lol, well anyway, read, REVIEW, but as always, enjoy!_

South Park Middle School: Stupid School Games!

Chapter 2

_(It is the end of the school day from chapter 1. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Clyde, and Kevin are in the empty football field of SP Middle School)_

Stan: Ok, we're all here, right?

Kyle: Looks like it, dude.

Craig: Well, ok, so what now?

Stan: There's SUPPOSED to be a coach out here to get us ready. But I don't see…

Voice (offscreen): ATTTTEEEENNTIOOOOOON!!!!!!

(They all look over and see a huge muscled man with a high and tide haircut coming towards them. He is wearing the exercise clothing of the school)

Guy (in yell): I AM COACH BEER! YOU THE SORRY SACKS OF SH…..I MEAN, GUYS, THAT WERE CHOSEN FROM THE GAMES?!

Stan: Umm, yes.

Beer: YES FREAKING WHAT, SMARTASS?!

Stan: Uh, sir.

Beer: THAT'S BETTER! NOW, WHO'S THE LEADER OF YOU SORRY SACK OF CRAP BURGLERS?

Craig: That'd be ME, sir.

Stan: What? No dude, I am.

Clyde: Bullcrap! I am, sir!

Beer: Alright, SHUT UP! I'LL pick team captain! Let's see, it'll be….YOU!

(He points to Kevin)

Kevin: Muh…me?

Beer: YES YOU!

Kevin: But..but I don't wanna…

Beer: I DON'T CARE! The ONLY way your getting out of this is for you magically get hurt or killed or kidnapped or whatever! But you ARE my team captain! UNDERSTAND?!

Kevin: Ye… Yes yes sir!

Beer: NOW, for the next THREE freaking hours, you stupid pieces of uneducated, worthless pieces of nincompoops are going to be subjected to the most INTENSE physical training of your little eight year old lives!

Kyle: Thirteen year old lives, sir.

Beer: I DON'T CARE! And you wanna be a smartass, boy?!

Kyle: No si…

Beer: OK! FIRST EXERCISE! Run around this freaking field 20 TIMES! STARTING…..

(He looks at his watch for just a second and then looks back up at them)

Beer: NOW!!!!!

(The boys scramble to start running, hitting each other accidently as they go. Kyle and Stan are running next to each other)

Kyle: This…..huff huff…is BULL CRAP dude!

Stan: I'm gonna…huff huff hufff…puke man!

(Craig comes running up and passes them)

Craig: Ha! See ya later, loosers!

(He runs ahead of them)

Kyle: Dammit!

Stan: Come on! We gotta catch up!

(Stan and Kyle start running after him to catch up. Kenny, Kevin, and Clyde are behind them)

Kenny: I don't know about you two, but I'm catching up with them!

(They start running after them, so all the boys are now competing with each other)

Beer: THAT'S WHAT I WANNA SEE! AGGRESSION! BEAT THE GUY IN FRONT OF YOU!

(They finally finish after half an hour)

Beer: Pretty damned impressive. Now, SPRINTS AND CRAWLING through the field! GET ON THE FIFTH YARD LINE!

The boys: UGH!

(Three hours later…….)

(The boys are standing in a line. They are all drenched in sweat and look half dead)

Beer: Not too bad…but NOT GOOD ENOUGH EITHER! Do you boys even WANT to win these games?!

The boys: Mumble…mumble….

Beer: I AM going to get you boys freaking ready! You will…

(All of a sudden, Kevin starts throwing up everywhere. He turning every way, hurling barf all around himself)

Stan: Dude!

Kyle: Point yourself in the other direction man!

(Kevin finally collapses on his knees)

Kevin: Uuuuuuhhh….I can't do this anymore..

(He falls flat down and is motionless)

Beer: Oh FANTASTIC! Well, guess what? YOUR OUT! Get outta here NOW!

(Stan and Kyle help him up and he stumbles away off the field)

Craig: But now we need another person to fill his spot!

Beer: That's right! So you turds better find someone TOMORROW and bring him out here for practice! If not, you'll get that F, and YOU WILL BE SCREWED! We are done for today! DIIIISSSSMIIIISSSEEEED!!!

(Beer does an about-face and storms off the field. The boys just stand there for a few seconds)

Kyle: Dude, I don't know if this is worth it!

Stan: I'm not loosing Wendy over some stupid games, Kyle! And do you want to loose Bebe?!

Kyle: No!

Craig: Clyde and I don't want to loose either. If we do we can kiss our social life goodbye!

Kenny: Look, tomorrow at school we'll just go around and see who we can get to join the team. We only need one other guy, dudes.

Stan: Ok, let's just get outta here and head home. We need the rest.

(They all get off the field. The camera switches to the front of the school. The boys emerge and are clothed and showered. They cleaned up in the school's gym shower room)

Stan: Ugh, every bone in my body hurts.

Kyle: Yeah, I'm aching right now. And I got to hurry home for Ike.

Stan: Alright. See you later, dude.

(Kyle jogs as fast as he can to his house, which is a little slow because his body is so worn out)

Kyle: Dammit! This sucks!

(He goes inside and runs upstairs to Ike's room)

Kyle: Ike? You ready to go to Shakey's?

Ike (from inside his room): Yeah!

(He comes out already dressed and ready)

Kyle: You really do wanna go, do you?

Ike: Of course! I'm always ready for Shakey's!

Kyle: Sounds like something Cartman would say.

(They walk outside and go the few blocks from their house to Shakey's Pizza. They go in and sit down)

Ike: Uh, Kyle, I got something to tell you…

Kyle: Huh? Did you get into trouble at school?

Ike: No, but it has to do with school a little bit…

Kyle: Oh, no, not another teacher!

Ike: No, not that! It's just that….ok, there's a girl at school..

Kyle: Dude come on! Mom, dad, and I have all talked to you about this!

Ike: But why can't I be with anyone?! What's the big deal?

Kyle: Your just too young! There will be plenty of time for that when you get my age…or older.

Ike: Ugh, you guys can suck sometimes.

Kyle: Wow, so that's the thanks I get for bringing you here?

Ike: Sorry. Thanks.

Kyle: Your welcome.

(They eat in silence and head home. They go inside and upstairs)

Kyle: Look, don't take what I said the wrong way. Just wait a little longer man. Till your older.

Ike: Yeah, sure.

(Ike goes into his room. He looks around at some papers he's got on a desk)

Ike: Here we go!

(He has a phone number on the paper. He picks up the phone in his room and dials the number)

Ike: Hey…Eric? So you'll be here tomorrow morning after Kyle leaves for school? Sweet. I'll see you then.

(Ike puts down the phone and smiles)

Ike: Awesome.

(He lies down with the smile still on his face and closes his eyes)

_Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Will the boys find a suitable replacement for the indisposed Kevin? And can Cartman help get Ike the girl of his dreams (behind Kyle's back, of course)? Wait till next time! READ and REVIEW! _


	3. Cruisin for a playa

_*Well, here it is! The next chapter in "Stupid School Games"! I hope everyone has enjoyed it thus far, but I'm a bit disappointed in the number of reviews! Come on, fwends! If you read, spend a second or two to review! To me, a review is the best type of payment I could ask for! Anyway, please enjoy!_

South Park Middle School: Stupid School Games!

Chapter 3

(We see the playground of South Park Elementary through the eyes of binoculars. The binoculars sweep left and right and then fall on a girl. She has dark black hair, and is a pretty attractive girl. She is wearing a pink poof ball hat similar to Stan's and a pink jacket and black pants. We then see Cartman and Ike ducking behind a small bush. Cartman has the binoculars)

Cartman: Is that the girl?

Ike: Yeah, that's her. Valarie Kilmer…she's sooo beautiful….

Cartman: Hey, don't go getting faggy on me! Now listen, your about to try your first 'pick up' trick.

Ike: Awesome…will it work?

Cartman: How the hell should I know?

Ike: Well, you are supposed to be teaching me how to get her!

Cartman: I'm sure this trick will work. Here's what you do…

(Cartman whispers in Ike's ear. Ike has a puzzled look on his face)

Ike: Are you serious?!

Cartman: Just go do it! Now!

(Ike rolls his eyes and straightens himself out. He struts onto the playground. Cartman gets back behind the binoculars. We see the playground and Ike through the binoculars)

Cartman (voice): Come on, my boy, come on….

(We see Ike strut up to Valarie. Ike puts his hands on his hips and starts talking to her)

Cartman (voice): Yes! You got it!

(We see Valarie's mouth go wide, and she crosses her arms and storms away from Ike in anger)

Cartman (voice): What the hell? What did he do?

(Ike comes slowly back over to the bush where Cartman is)

Cartman: Dude, what did you do?!

Ike: I did what you told me to! I just told her "hey bitch, want to grab some grub sometime, or do you just want some of me?"! And I said it in a macho manner like you said to!

Cartman: So, what did you do wrong?!

Ike (puzzled look): I think it has to do with what you told me to say to her, dude!

Cartman: But I tried the same thing myself once! And……(Cartman thinks for a second)….wait, uh, that didn't work. I forgot. Damn.

Ike: Oh, come on man! I just ruined my chances with her!

Cartman: Don't count me out yet, my young student! You shall have her yet! I got another idea that will sweep her off her feet!

Ike: I don't know if I want to hear it or not…but school's about to start, I gotta get in!

Cartman: I'll be back out here at your lunch break. I'll give you your next instructions then.

Ike: Yeah, I just hope it's better than this.

Cartman: It will. See you later and (Cartman gets into a Yoda voice)…May the Force…be with you!

(Ike just rolls his eyes while Cartman starts laughing. Ike runs for the door of the school)

Cartman: Uh oh! I gotta get going myself!

(Cartman rushes in the direction of the middle school. We cut to the Middle School now and see Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, and Clyde walking down a hallway)

Stan: Ok, guys, we have to find a new replacement for Kevin for the games. So go to whoever you think can kick ass at all this junk.

Craig: I know someone!

(He goes over to Token, who is at his locker)

Craig: Yo, Token, my man!

Token: Hey dude, what's up?

Craig: You already know I'm on our school's team for the games against Middle Park, right?

Token: Yeah man.

Craig: Well, we lost a guy the other day and need a replacement for him. I was wanting to know if…uh, well, do you wanna join in?

(Token just stands there for a second looking at him)

Token: Umm….hell no.

Craig: What? Why?!

Token: Because our principal will PROBABLY give that bad grade to the members of the team if our school looses, plus I don't want to put my reputation with the ladies on the line.

Craig: How are you so certain we will loose?

Token: Because Middle Park is a good athletic school…and, we just seem to suck ass. Sorry, dude.

(Token walks away. Craig just stands there while the other guys come up)

Kyle: What did he say?

Craig: Uh, in short order…no.

Stan: Dammit!

Kenny: Well now what?

Kyle: We just have to keep looking. We'll find someone guys, I'm sure!

(The bell rings, which means five minutes till the first class period starts. Cartman comes walking into the hallway)

Cartman: Hey guys, what's going on?

Kyle: Dude, where have you been?

Cartman: Uhh….um, nowhere. Just at home…had to take a crap. You know how it is.

Stan: That doesn't surprise me. Well, anyway, we need another guy for the games against Middle Park. You wanna join the team?

(Cartman just stands there for a second and laughs)

Cartman: Oh, ok, join the team, kill myself practicing with you guys, then play some games we'll probably end up loosing anyway, which ruins my standing with the girls. Now why would I do that?

Kyle: You don't HAVE a standing with the girls, idiot!

Stan: Kyle, not now! Come on, Cartman! We need you!

Cartman: Haha! Kick my black ass!

(He walks off laughing with the others just looking at him)

Kyle: That fat piece of crap! I swear! Why do we hang out with him anyway?

Stan: Well, we've been through so much together, him included. I still want to knock him out half the time though! But anyway, we gotta go to class. Just be sure to keep our eyes open for prospective players all day, ok?

(The boys go their separate way to classes. We now switch to later in the day. It's now lunch period. The guys are going to sit down at their table)

Stan: Where's Cartman at? He never misses lunch.

Kyle: He said he had something 'important to do'. But who cares?

Kenny: Did you guys have any luck finding anyone?

Craig: I didn't find anyone, dudes. I asked Bryan, Jaamal, and all the other athletic guys. None of them want to play.

Stan: Why are everyone here besides us pussies?!

Kyle: Because they are! I can't believe it..we aren't going to find anyone, dude!

(Jimmy walks up. Timmy is riding in his wheel chair next to Jimmy. He is carrying both their trays in his lap)

Jimmy: Thanks for hel…helping me, Tim tim!

Timmy: TIMMAY!

(Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, and Clyde look at each other and smile, and then look at Jimmy)

Kyle: Hey, uh, Jimmy! Can we ask you for a favor?

Jimmy: Why, sure, fell..fell..fellas!

Stan: We need a new guy for our team for the games against Middle Park! Will you join us?

Jimmy: Well, gee, fellas, uh..I don't…don't…don't think I could!

Stan: Why?

(Jimmy is silent for a second)

Jimmy: I don't know where you've been, Stuh..stuh…Stan, but I'm a bit handicapped.

Kyle: But you did great at the special Olympics a few years back!

Jimmy: No…no…thanks, fellas.

Stan: Come on, why?!

Jimmy: Well….we'll probably loose. We suck a…we suck aaaaa…..we suck….suck…ass.

(Jimmy sits down and starts eating. The guys have looks of defeat)

Craig: It's over…oh man, what are we going to do?

(Kyle lifts his head out of his hands and looks across the cafeteria at a table in the back)

Kyle: Dudes, we have one more prospect.

Stan: Who?

(Kyle nods his head at the other table. The other guys look over there)

Craig: No…dude, no.

Kyle: He could be our last shot…we have to try.

Stan: Dammit….

(The camera zooms in on that table. Sitting at the table with his girlfriend Kristall is none other than Butters)

Kenny: We're screwed.

_That'll do it for chapter 3! So what will happen with Ike and his crush? Will Cartman show him the ropes or sink his boat? And BUTTERS AS AN ATHLETE?! Stay tuned for Chapter 4! And please REVIEW! _


	4. KISS and Butters

_Here it is! Part four of 'Stupid School Games'! I hope you have all enjoyed it so far! Sorry this chapter is over a week late. My brother from the Navy was in town, and I hung out with him a lot. But anyway, to those of you who have reviewed, thank you very much! And for those of you who haven't: PLEASE do so! Writers really look forward to seeing the reviews for what they have written. But anyway, read, review, and enjoy! _

South Park Middle School: Stupid School Games!

Chapter 4

(We see a cluster of bushes outside of South Park Elementary School. Suddenly, Cartman's head pops up. He is looking over into the playground)

Cartman: Where is he? He's supposed to be here!

(The back door opens up leading to the playground. Kids are coming out, and Ike is among them. He makes his way to the bushes)

Ike: Eric? You here?

Cartman: Yes I'm here! Waiting for you with all these stupid bugs crawling over me!

Ike: Sorry it took a minute. I was eating first.

Cartman: Wow, thanks dipwad! But whatever. Anyway, where's miss prissy pants at?

Ike: Valarie is right over there.

(Ike points over to Valarie, the girl he's trying to woo)

Cartman: Sweet. Ok, time for our next plan of action since you royally screwed up the last one.

Ike: Screwed it up? It was a crappy plan to begin with!

Cartman: Whatever, dude. You just don't know how to be a playa. Otherwise I wouldn't be having to help you (*_see last THREE chapters to know what's going on lol*)_

Ike: Ok, what's the next plan, dammit?!

Cartman: Don't get smart with me! But anyways, here.

(He reaches and gets a boombox CD player. He hands it to Ike)

Cartman: You'll need this.

Ike: I already don't like where this is going.

Cartman: And you'll need…

(He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a CD)

Cartman: THIS.

(He hands it to Ike. Ike looks at it)

Ike: What the…

Cartman: Yes. KISS Unplugged.

Ike: I probably don't want to ask, but what do I do with this?

Cartman: Ok, go up to her. Put the CD in the boombox and play it. Turn up the volume not too too loud, but loud enough. Dance appropriatley to the song.

Ike: Um, I don't really listen to KISS.

Cartman: I figured that. Just play track 2. And here's the lyrics. Look over them before you go over there.

(He hands Ike a print out paper. They have the lyrics to the song on the CD, which is called "Plaster Caster". _*Go listen to the song on Youtube and you'll see why it's so inappropriate but funny lol*)_

Ike: Look, I really really REALLY don't think this is a good idea.

Cartman: Ok, who's older here?

Ike: You.

Cartman: Who's got the experience?

Ike: You.

Cartman: Who's got the better grades in school?

Ike: Um…me.

Cartman: Which means YOU are a dork and you NEED my help! Now go do what I told you too, young padawan!

(Ike rolls his eyes and takes the boombox and CD. Cartman crouches back down but watches everything. He sees Ike approach Valarie. Ike puts the CD in and turns the boombox in. He turns up the song pretty loud. He starts dancing rather "provocativley" to the music)

Cartman: Yes! That's it! He's got it!

(Valarie looks on with a look of shock. While Ike is dancing, she gets up and stomps off)

Cartman: What the?! What did he do wrong now?

(Ike stops and turns off the music and picks up the boombox. He comes back to Cartman)

Cartman: Dude, what did you do?

(Ike has a look of disbelief)

Ike: It wasn't me! It was this stupid idea of YOURS!

(He throws the boombox down)

Cartman: Hey, that's my boombox, you stupid butt hole!

Ike: Man, I'm NEVER going to get her!

Cartman: Don't give up just yet! Listen, I gotta rush back to school myself, so I'll meet you back here tomorrow morning. I promise you, you will have her yet. I got another idea.

Ike: Oh brother.

Cartman: Just be ready.

(Cartman gets up and leaves. Ike rolls his eyes and walks slowly back to the playground)

(We go South Park Middle School. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, and Clyde are sitting at their table at lunch. They are looking over at the table in the far back where Butters is sitting with his girlfriend, Kristall)

Stan: Dude, he CAN'T be the best we can do.

Kyle: We have all talked to everyone else the whole day, man! Who else is there?

Kenny: Kyle's right, dude. Butters is about all that's left.

Clyde: That's a sad statement.

Craig: And I don't want to play on the same team as him anyway. We have some unfinished business (_*check out the first SP middle school fic to see what Craig is talking about*)_

Stan: You have to lay that aside for now! There are more important things we have to focus on right now.

Craig: I still don't see how HE got the hottest girl in school…

Stan: Dude, now is not the time for that! I'm going over there to see what he says.

(Stan gets up and heads over to the table. The others sit and watch him. Stan reaches the table that Butters and Kristall are at. They look at him)

Kristall: Hmm? Oh, hey Stan!

Butters: Hey!

Stan: Hey, uh, can I talk with you for just a minute Butters? Just you and me?

Butters: Well sure! I guess.

(He gets up and he and Stan go over to a corner from Kristall)

Stan: Ok, uh, I don't know if you heard about the games against Middle Park, but we, well, lost a member of the team.

Butters: Oh yeah! I hope Kevin is ok!

Stan: Yeah, I'm sure he is. But anyway, we need another player.

Butters: Ok! Cool!

(They stand there silent for a few seconds. Butters is, of course, oblivious to what Stan is implying)

Butters: Is that all you wanted to tell me, Stan?

Stan: Uh, no. I mean, we were looking for someone all day. Didn't find anyone, you know? No one at all….

(They stand there for a few more seconds looking at each other)

Butters: Is…is that it?

Stan: Dammit, Butters! Can you take a hint?! We want to know if you want to be on the team!

(Butters has an amazed look on his face)

Butters: Muh….me? Really?

Stan: You are all we got left, dude. No one else wants to be on the team.

Butters: But why…why do you come to me last? You..you don't think I can do good at sports?

Stan: Butters, don't be an ass. Now's not the time. What do you say?

(Butters looks at Kristall. She just gives him a funny smile and a little wave)

Butters: I think…uh…yes.

Stan: So it's a yes?! Good! Ok, meet us this afternoon right after school for practice! We only have two more days until the games and you gotta get some practice in!

Butters: Well, ok!

Stan: See you later, dude.

(Stan walks back to the table the other guys are at and sits down)

Kyle: So? What did he say?

Stan: Dudes…we have our replacement for Kevin.

(They all sit there silently for a few seconds)

Kyle: Why does this news NOT excite me?

Craig: Because Butters sucks?

Stan: Look, I think at practice today we can whip Butters into shape. We still have two days. We just have to let Coach Beer rip into him. Try to build him up.

Kenny: Dude, it's only two days!

Stan: I know. We just gotta hope this works.

LATER THAT DAY….

(The boys, including Butters, are out at the field. Craig is keeping his distance from Butters)

Butters: So…uh..where's the Coach at, fellas?

Kyle: He's coming. You better be ready, dude.

(Just about two hundred yards away, you can see a big, muscled man with a high and tight haircut stomping up towards them)

Butters: Is…is…is that him?!

Stan: Yep.

Coach Beer: ALRIGHT YOU TURD BANDITS! We ready for another intense, and I mean INTENSE session of exercise?!

All (except Butters): YES SIR!

Coach Beer (looking at Butters): Who the hell is this?

Butters: I'm Bu..But…Butters, sir.

Coach Beer: What the HELL kind of name is BUTTERS?! You know what, I like margerine better! From now on, you are margerine! Got that?!

Butters: But sir…

Coach Beer: YOU. ARE. MARGERINE! GOT THAT?!

Butters: Yes sir!

(Craig starts snickering)

Coach Beer: What's that laughing?! You think this is funny, TUCKER?!

Craig: No sir!

Coach Beer: Sounded like it to me! Just for that, we'll start off with TWO HOURS of sprints! Get on the field and get on line RIGHT NOW!

(They do what he says and start their sprints. Butters is not doing as good as the others)

Butters: I cant…I cant do this!!!

(Kristall appears on the other side of the gate outside of the field)

Kristall: Butters! Baby! Keep going! I'm here for you! WHOO!!

(Craig rolls his eyes while he's running. Butters sees her and smiles)

Butters (thinking): I can't let her down!

(Butters starts sprinting faster and doing much better with her cheers)

Kyle (to Stan): Dude, look at him go!

(The boys all pick up the pace and are doing really good)

Coach Beer: Now THIS is what I'm talking about! But we still have A LOT of practice to go!

(The boys have determined looks on their faces. We see a close up of each one as the song "Montage" from the "Asspen" episode starts playing)

Song (playing as the boys go through the training): _The hours approaching, to give it your best  
You've got to reach your prime.  
That's when you need to put yourself to the test  
And show us a passage of time  
Were going to need a montage (montage)  
Ooh it takes a montage (montage)_

(The boys are going through all sorts of exercises while Coach Beer looks on. We see them running, throwing a heavy ball at each other, with Butters almost getting knocked over. Coach Beer looks annoyed at that)

Song:  
_Show a lot of things happing at once,  
Remind everyone what's going on (what's going on)  
And when every shot you show a little improvement  
Just show it all or it will take too long  
That's called a montage (montage)  
Ooh we want montage (montage)_

(We then see a nonsensical scene of the boys playing beach volleyball with bikini clad girls. We then see them resting at the same beach in beach chairs, with the girls laying around them. Coach Beer is standing there with an outraged expression and yells something at them. They jump up and start running)

Song: _Anything that we want to know  
From just a beginner to a pro,  
You need a montage (montage)  
Ooh it takes a montage (montage)_

(We see them back at the field at the school. The practice is over, and the boys stand side by side looking at the setting sun while the screen fades to black)

Song: _Always fade out in a montage,  
If you fade out  
It seem like more time has passed in a montage  
Montage….._

_END of chapter 4! Hope you all enjoyed! Oh, by the way, "Plaster Caster" is copyright KISS, and "Montage" is copyright Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Just to get that outta the way! Anyway, stay tuned for the next chapter. I'll be wrapping this particular story up in a chapter or two! Please read and review! Note the REVIEW part! Until next time!_


	5. THE GAMES!

_Hey yo! Here it is, the final chapter of 'Stupid School Games'! I've already got a few other ideas for more SP Middle School fics. Sorry this is a week and a half late! Been just a tad busy. But anyway, please read, REVIEW, and enjoy! _

South Park Middle School: Stupid School Games!

Chapter 5

(It is now Friday morning. We once again see the bushes right in the front of the playground at South Park Elementary. Cartman's head pops up from the bushes)

Cartman (thinking): Where's that Canadian butthole at? He BETTER get her today….

(We see Ike coming towards the bushes. All the other students are outside talking before school)

Cartman: Took you long enough! Ok, you ready to get some this morning?

Ike: Yeah right. We've done this ALL week and every plan you have had has backfired…completely. _(*see last chapters to see what he's talking about!*)_

Cartman: I know this one will work! Ok, look at what I got.

(Cartman gets out some black and white striped clothes, a small bowler hat, and some facepaint kits from a bag)

Ike: Umm, ok, I don't get it already.

Cartman: That doesn't surprise me. But it's simple. Your going to express your love, but in a unique way.

Ike: And what will that be?

Cartman: One word…Mime.

Ike: WHAT?! Dude, no!

Cartman (trying not to laugh): What? What's wrong with miming?

Ike: Are you high?! It's totally retarted!

Cartman: Pfft, whatever. Now get the clothes on quick, and the facepaint. You only have a few minutes.

(Ike rolls his eyes and sighs, but gets the stuff and goes behind another bush)

Cartman (again, trying not to laugh): Don't worry, dude, this is going to work.

Ike (from behind bush): Yeah right…

(We then see Valarie sitting with friends. She is talking with them)

Girl: We need to find dates to the Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance next week! Who are you thinking of going with?

Valarie: I don't know, but…what. In. The. World?

(The camera slowly swirls around, and we see Ike, standing there dressed as a mime)

Girl: Uhh, we'll leave you two alone.

(The other girls walk away. Valarie has a perplexed look on her face. Ike starts to do a mime act, silently of course. He starts dancing around, picking up snow, and tossing it in the air. He then freezes, and imitates her stand off reaction to him during the week. He licks his finger and draws a little trail of tears down his face with his saliva. Valarie hangs her head, but starts to giggle. Ike is finally done)

Valarie: Well, that was…interesting.

Ike: Really?! Did you like it?

Valarie: Uh, no. But it WAS interesting.

Ike: Oh…well, I mean, all week, I've just been trying to…

Valarie (laughs): I know. You've been trying to impress me. But whoever is giving you advice needs to be kicked!

Ike: I didn't know what to do..

Valarie: Uh, why didn't you just ask me out or something?

Ike: I guess it's too late for that now.

Valarie (giggles): Guess again.

(Ike gets a happy look on his *canadian lol* face)

Ike: Really?! Hey, what about the Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance?

Valarie: I'd love to. I just can't believe all the stupid stuff you've done this week!

(The bell rings for school to start)

Valarie: We better get in for school!

Ike: Yeah, just a minute…

(He walks to the bushes where Cartman still is)

Cartman: So? What happened?

Ike: I did it dude! It worked! I mean, she didn't like anything I did this week, but it all worked out in the end!

Cartman: That's cool. But this has been the funniest week I've had in a while!

Ike: Wait…you weren't trying to help me?

Cartman: I WAS trying to help you, but hey, I had to get a laugh out of it somehow!

(Cartman starts laughing hard)

Cartman: Haha! I can't believe you REALLY dressed up like a mime today! You looked like a total butthole, dude!

(While Cartman is laughing, Ike comes up and kicks him HARD in the groin)

Cartman (falling to his knees clutching himself): AYE! What the hell?!

Ike: Now I got MY laugh outta this! Well, see you later. And thanks for your help!

(He rushes to the school door while Cartman is getting up)

Cartman: Just like his brother! The little gaywad!

(Cartman looks at his watch)

Cartman: Oh crap! I gotta get to school quick!

(Cartman tries to jog but his crotch is hurting pretty badly)

Cartman: Ahh, weeeeeeak!

(LATER THAT NIGHT……)

(It is now Friday night. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Clyde, and Butters are in the locker room of the Middle Park Community Center. They are there for the games against Middle Park Middle School. The boys all look a bit buff, and rugged looking **_see last chapter for their training montage!**. _They are getting into clothing for the games, and are putting on face paint. Butters in particluar puts two black stripes under his eyes, but then adds two Hello Kitty stickers to each cheek. Stan rolls his eyes when he sees that)

Stan: Butters, take that crap off.

Butters: But why? You…you know, cats are savage creatures.

Stan: You look like a total gaywad.

Butters: Oh…oh, ok then.

(He takes them off. All of a sudden, Coach Beer bursts in the locker room)

Coach Beer: Alright! I've been training you all week! Are you all ready to stomp these turdballs into the GROUND?!

All: YES SIR!!

Coach Beer: Then LETS GO DO IT!

(They all burst through the doors leading to the main part of the auditorium. They all have gruff, serious looks on their faces. All the parents/other students are in the packed auditorium. South Park's people start cheering. All the girls are there. Kristall has a huge poster board saying 'LET'S GO BUTTERS!' on it in sprinkles. The other team is on the other side of the auditorium. They are ver y wholesome looking kids. Their coach is a blonde hair, wholesome looking guy named Coach Whippersnapper)

Kid 1: Sir, why are they looking like that?

Coach Whippersnapper: Hmmm. I don't know. But let's go out and have some fun! What do you say, gang?

Team: Yay!

(The teams meet face to face in the middle of the auditorium)

Announcer (on speakers): Looks like the teams are meeting face to face! Is there some bad blooooooood?!

Coach Whippersnapper: Hey! Nice to meet you guys! Let's have some good games, huh?

Coach Beer: You trying to psyche my team, Mister Prissy Pants?!

Coach Whippersnapper: Oh, heavens no! I was just…

Coach Beer: You were just trying to bring us down! SCREEEWWWWWW YOUUUUU!

(Coach Whippersnapper and the Middle Park team is silent, and stunned)

Craig: You dipweeds….are going dowwwwwwwwwn.

(The boys go back to their section of the auditorium. The Middle Park team is still stunned)

Announcer: Ooh! I wish we could have heard what was said down there! Looks SER-I-OUS, folks!

(Coach Beer huddles around the boys)

Coach Beer: Alright, for the first event…your up first, Marsh.

Stan: Yes sir.

Coach Beer: Give him hell on earth, you understand?!

Stan: YES SIR!

(Stan goes to the middle of the auditorium along with his opponent from the Middle Park team)

Announcer: Alright folks! First event….SPRINTS across the auditorium…holding an egg in your hands! Don't drop that egg, boys! Ha ha!

Stan: WHAT?! THAT'S an event?!

Opponent: Yeah…these are just fun little games…

Stan: SHUT UP!

(A guys puts them on the starting line and hands them an egg)

Guy: Ok…go!

(They start sprinting. Stan is already beating the kid. Stan beats him on the first lap and the second lap)

Announcer: Uh oh! Looks like Middle Park is in trouble!

Stan (thinking): Time to add a little insult to injury!

(Stan slows down a bit, and when the other kid reaches his side, Stan sticks out his elbow. The kid runs into his elbow HARD. Blood flys out of the kids nose)

Kid: OWWW!!!!!

Announcer: WOW! Look at that! Looks like an accidental run in! Gotta be more careful next time, kid!

(Stan easily wins)

Stan: YEAH!!! YEAH!!! EAT IT!

(The girls in the stands, including Wendy and Bebe, look horrified)

Wendy: What in the world is he doing?!

Bebe: Did you see that?! I could have sworn he did that on purpose!

Announcer: Well, this round goes to SOUTH PARK!

(The boys yell for victory, as do most of the other South Park people, except the girls. The boys don't notice, though)

Announcer: Ok, next round: a short ten minute basketball game!

Coach Beer: Alright, Tucker and Donavan, you two up next! You BETTER do just like Marsh, understand?!

Craig/Clyde: YES SIR!

(They go out and meet the two from Middle Park, who look horrified. The guy throws the ball in the middle of them)

Guy: PLAY BALL!

(Craig gets the ball immediately and swings his side VERY HARD into the Middle Park player)

Announcer: Uh oh! Another accident! These kids GOTTA be more careful! Ha ha

(Clyde is blocking the other kid from getting to Craig)

Clyde: What you gonna do, fool?! What you gonna do?!

Kid: I…just want to play the gam…..

Clyde: You ain't got nothing!

(Craig makes the basket easily)

Announcer: South Park ahead already! Is there disaster ahead for Middle Park? Let's watch!

(Craig and Clyde decimate the two other kids in the next few minutes. A montage shows Craig and Clyde making basket after basket after basket. The other kids are getting pushed down and hit "by accident". The whistle blows)

Announcer: Round over! The score is…South Park- 89! Middle Park- ZEROOOOOO!

Craig: You better believe it!

Clyde: Yeah!

(The other two and bruised and bloody and trying not to cry)

Announcer: Ok, next is…an arm wrestling match!

Coach Beer: Good work, Tucker and Donovan! Ok, for this one I choose…

(He looks at Kyle, Butters, and Kenny)

Coach Beer: How about….STOTCH! Get out there and show me what you got! BREAK THAT KIDS ARM!

Butters: Muh…me, me sir?!

Coach Beer: What, you deaf? GET OUT THERE!

Butters: Yes…yes sir!

(He goes out there to meet his opponent. They sit opposite each other at the small round table set up)

Kid: Hey! Uh, good luck!

(Butters is thinking to himself)

Butters (thinking): Be aggressive, Butters….

Butters (out loud): Your…your about to go to heck.

Kid: Huh?

Guy: Alright, but elbows on the table, and lock hands!

(They do so)

Guy: Ok, your trying to slam the opponent's hand on the table! Ok…go!

(The match begins. Both are struggling hard)

Announcer: Uh oh! Has South Park met it's match?!

(Butters and the other kid are sweating and gritting their teeth. Butters starts thinking of Kristall)

Kristall (in his head): Go baby go! You got this sweety! Get this done, and we'll go to your house, go in your room, get in bed…and watch some of your Hello Kitty dvds from Japan!

(Butters gets a determined look and slams the kids hand on the table, but doesn't let go. He keeps pressing down on the kids hand)

Kid: Aaaah! MY HAND!!! STOP THE MATCH!!!

Guy: It's not over till he lets go!

(Butters keep pressing down. You hear a faint crunch. The kid is silent, but then screams loudly)

Kid: MY HAND!!! YOU BROKE IT!!!!!

(Butters shakes his head and finally comes out of his little trance. He realizes what he has done and lets go)

Butters: Oh hamburgers! Oh no!

(The guy raises Butters hand in victory)

Announcer: Another point for South Park!

(Butters looks horrified as he goes back to South Park's part of the auditorium. The other boys, even Craig, are cheering for him along with the crowd)

Stan: Dude, that was AWESOME!

Coach Beer: Now THAT'S what I'm talking about, Stotch!

(The girls in the stands look horrified, except for Kristall)

Wendy: Did….did BUTTERS just break a kid's hand?

Bebe: I think so…

Kristall: Wow! I've never seen that side of him! Kinda sexy!

Wendy/Bebe: KRISTALL!

Announcer: Ok, time for the final event! All competitors, from both teams, in a TUG O WAR! Who's gonna win this one folks? My money's on Middle Park…..JUST KIDDING! I wouldn't bet my right kidney on them, myself!

(The boys proceed to the middle of the auditorium. Middle Park's team is bruised, battered, and bloody, and they look really scared)

Guy: Ok teams, pick up your end of the rope!

(They do so)

Guy: And….go!

(Each team starts pulling. The boys are already overpowering Middle Park easily)

Coach Beer: FINISH THEM! FATALITY!

(The boys start sprinting backwards with the rope, pulling Middle Park over and dragging them across the auditorium floor)

Middle Park team: AAAAAAGGGH!!!!

Guy: Wow, wow! Round over! SOUTH PARK WINS!

Announcer: Wow! A total upset, I suppose! South Park blows Middle Park out of the water, folks!

(The boys are jumping and yelling in victory)

Announcer: And our winners get……uh, pretty much nothing. Just not an F in a major class. Goodnight, everybody!

Stan: Well, it was worth it! We still got our girlfriends!

(The girls walk down out of the stands since everyone is leaving)

Stan: Wendy, babe, I am willing to bet you are so turned on right now!

Kyle: Yeah, Bebe! You thinking about leaving us now?!

(The girls look confused)

Wendy: What are you talking about, Stan?

Stan: Kenny told us you girls would want to be seen with us if we lost the games…right?

Wendy: No! We were talking about Middle Park!

Kenny: Uh oh.

Wendy: But, since you were so egotistical and brutal out there, Bebe, me, and the rest of the girls got some thinking to do if we EVER want to see you guys again!

Girls (minus Kristall): YEAH!

Boys (except Butters): WHAT?!

Wendy: Talk to you later, maybe.

Bebe: Same for you, Kyle.

(The girls storm off, except for Kristall)

Kristall: Butters, baby, I'm so worked up right now for you.

Butters: Huh? But…I feel so bad…that other kid…I…I…

Kristall: Say no more! Hurry up and get home! I'll come by in a bit. I was thinking we could go to your room…and…..watch some Hello Kitty dvds!

(She winks at him and leaves. Butters looks elated and dances off)

Butters: Yippie!!!

(Coach Beer walks up): Good job boys! You could have done better, but your were ok. Now I gotta go pound some brews before the bar closes.

(He leaves too. Stan, Kyle, Craig, and Clyde are stunned speechless)

Kenny: I'll..uh, I'll catch you guys later.

(He leaves. The other four just stand there stunned speechless still for a few seconds more)

Boys (together): Ah…..Shit!

_END of the fic! Hope you all enjoyed! I had fun writing it! I'll try to start my next SP Middle School story soon! PLEASE REVIEW after you read! I would very much appreciate it! Again, hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing! Till next time, zip it up and zip it out!_


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